Speak Up And Be Free

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My heart was slamming against my rib cage, my  fingertips were moist and my eyes were burning with rage.I got those flash backs again, i felt that sting of pain and it felt like someone was snatching my breath away from me.I decided not to say anything,spend more time ,suck it in and let it die.I wished i could do something to prevent the protagonist from walking into my life, i couldn't. I felt helpless, with my eyes filled with tears i asked myself how i got into this situation but as usual i got no answer. I asked myself if i could have avoided it,i asked myself if truly it is was my fault, the incident played like a movie in my head again.how long times will i continue like this? Why can't i just let this memory rest? Yes! i was victimized but did it matter?am i the first?yes i was taken taken for granted,locked up in a prison by a person i respected so much but i just never wanted to talk about it.I went through this torture so often that it seemed to be a daily routine which ended up with just one question 'when will this end?'.i went through this torture for a year because i refused to do the right thing, SPEAK UP.i refused to speak up probably because i was afraid of being judged,i was afraid that people will never believe me.At some point i  felt cheap and less of myself in front of him, i wished the earth opened up and swallowed me whenever i met him.Those eyes would stare at me and warn me not to talk,those eyes would make feel weak and sad.What wasn't affected?everything was!my self-esteem, my spiritual life,my emotions, the only aspect of my life that i manged to keep intact was my academics.Holiday had started , Christmas was here. I knew deep within me that i wasn't going to allow this continue to the new year.I made up in my mind that i was going to fix whatever was wrong,i was going to look past my wreckage and see a fixed me.I wanted to see my abuser and not run.I wanted see my abuser and speak up my mind.i wanted to release so badly but i needed some kind of 'strength'-that strength that overpowers the fear of shame.When i felt i had gathered enough energy,i made up my mind to 'tell' first thing tomorrow but ish!i got a message from my abuser and it read 'merry Christmas' ah all the strength i had just disappeared and i was back to square , the question came reeling again 'is his trying to make it look like he did not harm me?' or 'am i overreacting'.i guess i slept off while looking for answer to those questions.

one night  as i lay on my bed , it was week one of our prayer and fasting and i knew i seriously needed a change.That night, i felt someone had woken me up,the person shook me so hard.i switched on the light but everywhere seemed quite and fine.i returned back bed,for the first time i paid attention to someone as i lay on that bed,i will just call  it "the someone inside me",i heard her cry and i felt she wanted to be free again, i heard a small voice inside me asking me to speak up  about what happened that night.I had switched of the light so my room was dark again,as i sat on that bed i could feel tears rolling down my face,in the mist of this heavy pain i let out a whisper to God,asking him if i will be fine if i talked about it,i asked him if he will give me that kind of strength that would overpower my pain and shame.I didn't get the thunder like voice saying 'yes' but i felt some kind of peace i hadn't felt in year.Yes i got that peace and i wasn't ready to let go again not even for any almighty person in the world.So i made up my mind that i was going speak up, i was sexually assaulted and i did not get a single apology rather my abuser made me feel that he had a special grace that covers him.That morning  i got up and did the right thing!i met my pastor and i told him everything.My spirit filled abuser was surprised that i could speak up,i saw that look of how dare you on his face but did i care?No!i went through the process of release,some believed me and some didn't believe me,truth be told i cared less about what people thought.My main focus was on getting that peace that was snatched from me that night,the more i spoke about it, the more i confronted my abuser, the more i felt that peace of mind. Through this process of release, i had this kind of strange strength that overpowered my fears.The morning after the process of speaking up was over i felt new, i had complete hold of the kind of peace that keeps a person sane.

Regrets would come after deeds have been done,defeat will say 'hello' to you and laugh at you in your very face.It feels that way,like you have been defeated and you are there on the floor full regrets of  of 'had i and had i not'...hello!freedoms starts the moment to make a move to stand in spite of the pain and shame of been on that ground, freedom starts when you focus on a  reason why you can not be tied down and kept silent by some wreckage you didn't even cause in the first place.Freedom starts when you decide undo yourself by speaking up and shaming your abuser.TO ME IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET BACK YOUR SANITY AFTER SUCH HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.

A lot Ladies are made to believe that sexual assault is what comes with being a female, they are told it is normal and asked get over the whole experience and move on.Getting over the whole experience and moving on is great but only possible if you do the right thing;speak up and stop living in fear.Do share your thought on this topic, as any advise dished to ladies will be highly appreciated thank you.